In the barren wasteland that’s sports in August, there’s only baseball and speculative NFL stories to write about. And since we just wrote about Aaron Judge and he didn’t get elected on Friday night, we have a football chat for you. Today’s anecdote stems from former New England Patriot strike line manager Rich Ohrnberger, who was so worried about having a good reason for oversleeping to practice that he legitimized the car accident cover. by actually having an accident.
Because of his unfounded fear of Bill Belichick, he chose… well, I’ll let him tell it as he did on his radio show.
“I woke up, my phone was dead after the night, and I realized that I was waking up to the sound of a bird, not my alarm. I am frantic. I don’t even look at my watch, I know I’m late.”
“I’ll be officially five minutes late, and I’ll be driving 15 minutes early. I will be 10 minutes late for today. I had a sinking feeling in my stomach like, ‘I’m about to be cut. [Belichick’s] there won’t be me on this football team coming tomorrow. What do I do?'”
“I saw a church van in front of me, it was all going up and black smoke was coming out of the exhaust and I thought, ‘I’m going to hit this car. You’d better pay for the insurance than embarrass yourself for being late to a Patriots team meeting.”
As someone who accidentally slipped onto the porch while running late to take my sister to school, I wish I had the resources to intentionally play with obstacle cars to avoid getting dressed by my mom, let alone Chi is the craziest coach in the history of the NFL. Belichick really had to strain himself at Foxborough. His players aren’t just willing to run through walls for him; they will literally take traffic to stay on his list.
Also, for those asking about premiums: Would you rather eat some money off your car insurance bill — or pay out of pocket with your generous NFL paycheck — than lose respect? of the sport’s most demanding father? If I were the driver of the St. Stephen, it can be a bit jarring to have someone snap a picture of his mistake before I get out of the car, but they believe in good Samaritans and so on.
Honestly, plunging into a church garbage truck isn’t a bad idea – even if it sounds like a recipe for a lawsuit. Who among us hasn’t made unfortunate decisions when trying to get/keep a dream job? I had my nipples cut for the right gig. (Don’t worry, my man’s boobs are still intact. No cuts for an industry that will have 95% athletes in 5 years.)
Ohrnberger is rich, if I had stars or some fake award to give, you’d get one.
And now what I have almost written about…
Sometimes, ESPN breaks the fourth wall. If you don’t retell the lines from the 2004 cult classic “Dodgeball,” you might not understand half of my jokes – other than not knowing what ESPN the Ocho day is. Motherhood ran several sports competitions rarely seen on ESPN 2 on Friday in honor of one of Ben Stiller’s iconic works.
Along with wiffleball, tag, air hockey and what’s known as a quad ball, there’s the Slippery Stairs world championship.
Even if it sounds like a Wipeout knockout, a knockout of a Japanese game show, I can respect the hustle. At least it’s something to laugh about while eating wings, drinking beer, and trying to build a story during your break.
I mean, anything that gives me the opportunity to quote Cotton McKnight, White Goodman and Co. all good for me.
“Necessary? Is it necessary for me to drink my own urine? Probably not. No, but I do anyway because it’s sterile and I like the taste.”
No, not the quote you’re thinking of. Sorry, since I’m so public, I thought I’d go with the B side.
https://deadspin.com/i-d-wreck-my-subaru-to-be-on-the-patriots-too-1849380376 Former Patriots manager crashed car to avoid Belichick’s wrath