Hey Kyrie – get off Twitch, help Luka Dončić win an NBA title

Welcome to Deadspins The Sports Nihilist, where everything is for naught and we are just random bumps of electrified flesh stuck to the surface of a rock in an indifferent universe. Fuck you.

The “you don’t know me” defense of public figures is always my favorite, especially in this age of endless self-promotion. Recording everyday activities and sharing them with the world has become part of people’s daily routine. And pretty much everything is for masturbation. We want to be reassured that we are interesting, or funny, or unique, or somehow different from everyone else. What do you think I do every time I publish an article?

I’m no different from the other slobs, and neither is Kyrie Irving for the record. The Dallas Maverick’s new spiritual leader posted a message on Twitch the other night, firing back at the media and fans who have been saying his name as if that wasn’t exactly what he was hoping for.

Yes, the guy who keeps popping up on different platforms and can’t answer a question in less than three sentences wants you to know you don’t know him. The guy who’s been dreaming up various ways to cover up the Swooshes on his shoes since Nike dropped him — including Appropriation of Native American culture and shares it on his own Instagram feed – wants you to know he’s different. He is deeper than you, more thoughtful, more talented, more stylish and smarter.

He dribbles a basketball for a living.

“But I inspire people!” Yes, that’s the problem. You’re a lump of cells, he’s a lump of cells, we’re all just lumps out here judging other lumps whose lump is the most impressive lump.

I do not know you?! please kyrie You’re a fucking human being. You are the most predictable species on the planet. We don’t just want to exist, we want to live. Isn’t that what The last of us everything is about? How about turning off your brain and leaving Twitch and try to help Luka Dončić win an NBA championship?

I’m sorry that Phil Knight took away your creative outlet because your idea of ​​expressing yourself was promoting an anti-Semitic film. Talk to Asics about a colorway if you need a hobby. I honestly haven’t even watched both videos or all the ones I’ve shared. As soon as you start talking to the camera, I’m out. That’s the most humane thing humans have ever done right after they wrote down and published our thoughts. “I’m speaking here because I need attention.” My god, just mumble your grumbling to yourself like the rest of us and get on with your life.

We should live. Life. Life. LIFE! Instead, I spend my morning getting to know Ky. How it is done is more interesting than another Kyrie monologue. I know one thing about Irving. He doesn’t matter. None of us do.

What do you think a chosen messiah will evolve into Kang and rule every galaxy across time and space? We’ll be lucky enough to solve global warming before we suck the oceans dry and shrink to incinerated corpses after devouring the earth with all its resources. Just a dead, barren planet with only Tom Hardy and Charlize Theron left looking for water and trying to escape a gang of killers driving monster trucks.

Annnnddddddd I’m out. I’m out. I’m out. I’m out. It’s too close to no work to spend any more brain cells writing about Kyrie Irving speaking on Twitch. Enjoy your weekend, you big, beautiful, unique blobs.