TikToker creates a huge list of reasons not to have children and creates an honest dialogue about pregnancy

The phrase “Where’s the girl with the list” has become increasingly common in the comments section of pregnancy and maternity videos on TikTok over the past year.

Commonplace at first, “the list” and a TikToker have become synonymous with speaking and sharing the truth when it comes to the ups and downs of parenting.

The list draws from a 20-plus page dataset compiled by social media user YuniqueThoughts, a live document that she updates every time people tag her in the comments of a video where a parent is their horror story told.

“Yuni’s List of Pros and Cons of Having Children” itself has 20 pages devoted to the cons – about 350 bullet points – while the pros take up just two pages and 35 points.

It’s become a point of controversy and relief for those who say it opens up an honest conversation about what it’s actually like to be a parent, and that sometimes it’s a lot messier than it might seem.

According to the about page on the listing’s website, the idea came about after the author, who goes by the name of Yuni, witnessed a family member “struggling through the pregnancy with a smile on her face.”

“As I watched, I also learned so much about pregnancy and childbirth that was never talked about, and yet so many women go through the same thing,” Yuni wrote.

The author, who has been offline since August, writes that the entire list was compiled from personal experiences and interactions on TikTok, which helped open her eyes to what really matters.

“Ultimately, I want my list to prepare those who are committed to becoming great parents and also remind others that these are just a few things they may need to consider if they ever want a child,” Yuni writes .

The list of downsides includes everything from common pregnancy problems like bloating, fatigue, and constant urination to rare but frightening complications.

Things like “baby may refuse all food during pregnancy and may need IV fluids throughout pregnancy,” melanonychia — a condition where your fingernails can turn black — and “your pelvis could crack or split in half.”

Critics of the list have said it highlights rare issues and relies on fear mongering to deliver an anti-child agenda.

However, proponents say it offers a comprehensive but not exhaustive view of what parenting and pregnancy can be like.

A woman who spoke to NBC News about the list said her first interaction with the list was when someone commented on a video she made about postpartum depression and wrote, “Where’s the girl with the list?”

Sarah Biggers-Stewart, the content creator who spoke to NBC, said she believes the list is “a powerful tool for self-advocacy.’

“I was totally shocked by all the things that could happen to you. Even in today’s modern world, which is shocking given the amount of research and access that is available to us,” said Biggers-Stewart.

The mom told NBC she believes the list, and TikTok in general, has done a great job of providing an alternative perspective on parenting.

She believes that other social media platforms have created unrealistic expectations and curated images of what pregnancy and parenting is like, and that’s far from the case.

“There are so many different types of complications and it can be really brutal for women. So I thought that’s empowering.’

The idea behind the movement, while controversial, has also been welcomed by medical professionals who know how dangerous and sugarcoated pregnancy can be.

“What people expect is that those who have complications will go into pregnancy sick. So you had complications, or you weren’t taking care of yourself, or you were smoking, or you weren’t eating well,” said Dr. Shannon Clark, an OBGYN who specializes in treating high-risk pregnancies.

“It’s always been a kind of victim blaming that people who had pregnancy complications probably did something about it. But what we’re realizing now is that’s not always the case,” she continued.

In a video tagged “yuniquethoughts,” a woman shared her story of a failed epidural and “excruciating pain” that led to a last-minute cesarean and a repeated drop in her heart rate during the procedure.

In another video posted to the app, a woman tells her horror story by showing off her torn earlobe, which appears to have been caused by an earring being ripped out.

“Where’s that one girl with the list, the list of reasons not to have kids, because look what my kid did to me,” the woman says, showing her ear.

“It’s fucking Pac-man,” says the mother while unbuttoning the earlobe.

She captioned her video: “If you want a reason not to have kids.”

Another woman, who has more than 16 million followers on TikTok, had flooded her video’s comments section with viewers linking to the list after she spoke about her son biting his nipple while breastfeeding.

This video received more than 290,000 likes and thousands of comments.

Briggers-Stewart shared a video just a few weeks ago addressing another video that was made about the list, in which a woman said she believed the list was negative.

The woman, Briggers-Stewart says in her video, claimed the list “makes women afraid of pregnancy.”

The content creator said her own first-hand experience as a mother and “very pregnant person” upset the other video.

Briggers-Stewart points out that the list isn’t meant to be scaremongering or anything like that, but rather a tool created by women for other women.

She said not talking about these complicated issues, which are rare but do occur, can isolate women who may feel like an odd woman.

The mother-to-be said she experienced a number of issues during her first pregnancy, including gestational diabetes and severe insomnia, which weren’t talked about.

“All the friends I’ve had who have been pregnant have had magical, beautiful, loving pregnancies. I was sick from the day I found out I was pregnant to the day I was born,” she told NBC News.

“I really think that if women think they’re the only people experiencing this particular aspect of pregnancy, they’re less likely to talk to their doctors and less likely to stand up for themselves because they feel silly,” she continued away.

The message in her video resonated with TikTok users and her video received almost 80,000 likes and more than 1,500 comments.

“Pregnancy is way too romanticized, so I love the list. it shows the reality of what can happen,” wrote one commenter.

“I wish I had this pregnancy list before I got pregnant. I was NOT prepared for what happened to me, nor did the school system tell me,” wrote another.

“Before I was pregnant the worst thing I heard about pregnancy was morning sickness and swollen ankles. The list is great,” said another person.

Abigail Porter, a creator who goes by the name of z00mie and runs a series called Free Birth Control, has also garnered a huge audience with her list of reasons not to have children.

Porter has amassed nearly half a million followers since the start of her series in 2021 and has 99 parts.

Her series has become so popular that people are sending in their own stories for her to share with her audience, including a recent one where someone told her they once tried to poop in the litter box when they were kids and the cat to blame for it.

“Here’s your daily dose of free birth control,” Porter wrote in the caption.

Porter told NBC that her series only contains videos and clips from those who have given their consent, and it is often flagged by video creators.

“If I’m doing a video specifically about bodies and I’m going to show someone’s body, I’m going to make sure I have that mother’s approval first — like when she posted a video and did that acknowledgment like, ‘This is my body. It’s pretty crazy. The things that have happened in my body are pretty wild,” Porter said.

Still, she hopes her series will give people the most realistic and informed perspective on the parenting process.

“I have so much respect and awe and admiration for the people who choose to go through with this because it’s a huge choice,” Porter said.

“I hope people will stop treating children as an impulse decision that everyone makes. I think that’s better for us and better for the kids because if every kid ever born had parents who really, really wanted it, the world would be a better place,” Porter said.